D o you struggle to find meaning in your life? Are you overworked and constantly broke? Do you wish you had better relationships with less conflict and more genuine love and intimacy?
What if I told you that you could solve all of your life’s problems and live a life full of abundance and freedom while surrounded by adoring friends and loved ones? What if I told you it was easy and you could even get started right now? Does that sound too good to be true?
Well, it’s not. In fact, it’s simple, and anybody can do it.
All you have to do is start a cult!
Yessir, you heard me right. You too can start your very own cult, TODAY, and begin reaping the benefits of the hundreds of mindlessly devoted followers who will lavish you with unconditional adoration, financial gifts, and gratuitous sexual favors.
No more money problems. No more stress or feeling overworked. No more loneliness. And you definitely won’t be lacking in the love-life department.
And the best part? It’s free!
No degree or certification required. You can start your very own cult today. It’s as easy as 1–2–3.
Don’t believe me? Here, I’ll start one right now and you can follow along at home!
Step 1: Choose a Set of Beliefs That Cannot Be Easily Proven or Disproven
All cults are based on some sort of faith in something being true, regardless of the evidence. So to begin, we must come up with a small set of beliefs that cannot be easily proven or disproven.
And considering how pretty much none of us ever know what the fuck is going on, this is surprisingly easy to do.
The obvious choices here involve deities and promises of the impending apocalypse and/or salvation, because seriously, nothing gives people a hard-on more than thinking the end of the world is coming and they’re one of the chosen few to survive it.¹
But to be honest, you can start building a cult around just about anything. Economic philosophies, political causes, conspiracy theories, gender norms, sports teams, diet and nutritional fads, animal rights, space exploration, the prophylactic…
